dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
