the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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