My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
