I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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