I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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