these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
