i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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