ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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