The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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