I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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