Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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