12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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