my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
