I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
