when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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