apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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