Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
