If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
