If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
pop tarts are not kleenex
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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