it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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