I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize