Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
