Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
