There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
