I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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