Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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