I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
