Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Small penises have feelings too.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
