I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
