I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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