i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let's get the cat blown out
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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