I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
