I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
40s are totally the cure
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
