We're facebook friends in real life
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
