i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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