How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
