Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
