you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
