What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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