I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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