i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
