i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
