just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
