i don't like sucking hair
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
