i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
