I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
