Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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