His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I will pee on everything he values.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
