i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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