He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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