She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize