apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
