I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
