so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
