yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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