I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
