if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize