Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize