ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
